EXISTING IN THE MIDDLE

Another Christmas is in the books. The big storm with all of it's snow, flash freezing and strong winds has now passed (at least where I live). Life goes on to the next big event of New Year's Eve.  After that, it will just continue as it always does.

Time just is. It doesn't store itself up and wait.  It doesn't pause when something significant happens to you and it doesn't give you a break to allow you to have more of it.  The minutes and hours will continue to march forward while never-ending to a destination that is never reached. Like Mark Heard wrote, "Time marches away like a lost platoon."

Our time on this earth has a beginning (birth), a middle (life) and an end (death).  Now that I look at what I've written, it seems pretty depressing.  

That's not all life is though right? In the middle.  That's where the action happens!  Though it may continue on and on, we are living and breathing in it.  This year, I decided that I didn't want to simply exist in the middle but to actually participate in something far more grand.  I was going to try new things and win or lose, I was going to do anything but just simply exist.

So, what did I do? My family and I went to Montreal (we had never left the province prior to this) to take in the sights and sounds of a marvellous city. We loved it. I enrolled and was accepted to begin studying at Brock University. A book that I had dreamed of writing for years was completed and published! New manuscripts have been written as well and another road of possibilities has been forged.  For some, this is not a big thing.  For others, this sounds like too much.  I don't know whether it's a lot or a little but the point to all of this is that I am doing rather than existing!  

Existing, for me, happened for a long time.  I was content to simply be where I should be at the proper time.  Something changed this year and I experienced a discontentedness where satisfaction could only be met by doing something new. 

This isn't to say that I haven't been scared the entire time.  I have wanted to turn away from some of these new experiences because they're kind of scary.  What is different and new is always met with fear and uncertainty.  It's easy to walk away because it's the safe thing to do. I was sick of being safe.

It's like the episode of Seinfeld where George decided to do the exact opposite of everything he had always done before.  Every day has the possibility to be an "Opposite Day". 

I'm still learning and that means I'm still growing. I invite you today, in your own discontent, to dream as well. Write it down. Talk it over with a trusted friend. Make and solidify your plans. Try something new today. You can be afraid but that's when your bravery takes over.  Don't let your fear come up with excuses to stop before you even begin.  

Time may continue to push ever forward but with every step you take, you can walk a new path into adventure.  May your steps be deliberate as you march and know that you're middle doesn't have to be just existence but victory!

YOU DO YOU AT CHRISTMAS

There's so many fun Christmas traditions that my family and I celebrate. On November 30 every year, we put up and decorate our tree. Every year, we buy one or two pop culture ornament to add to the tree (this year it was a basketball and a Nintendo controller).  Christmas movies like Elf, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, Die Hard (yes, it's a Christmas film) are watched. There are so many little things that add up over the years that make December a very special month for the Mills family.

Not every Christmas has been a holly jolly affair. Some Christmas', my wife and I couldn't afford to get each other gifts and we learned to be joyful when times were fiscally tight. There were some Christmas' that were bittersweet when we celebrated together but missed a loved one who had passed away that year. 

I think the Christmas Days that I wasn't so joyful was when they fell on a Sunday.  Having to work on a Sunday after working Christmas Eve was never my idea of fun (did I mention that I'm so glad I don't work at a church anymore?). It was something to endure not something to celebrate for me. 

Now, that might sound selfish but the truth is, I don't want to spend time in a building with a bunch of other people who aren't close friends and family. I want to be at home, wrapping presents, eating some homemade snacks, watching A Christmas Story and dreaming of a new year with new possibilities. To me, that's a perfect Christmas Eve.

Maybe your version of Christmas Eve/Day is different than mine. Perhaps you like going to church to celebrate and sing about Christ's birth.  Perhaps you don't celebrate at all.  You know what? That's fine too.

There is no right or wrong way to celebrate Christmas because it's unique to every person. That's the beauty of this holiday when you do what you want. Don't let anyone tell you it needs to be different.

I believe personal preferences are also important to protect when dealing in matters of faith.  There will be those that will want you to conform to THEIR idea of faith and all that it entails. They'll tell you that to be a proper adherent of the faith, you must act a certain way and do what they would do.  You might be told that questions aren't appropriate.  Whatever constraints are thrust upon you, it's okay if you don't want to abide within them if you're not sure. What's important is that you hold onto what matters to you and not what someone else deems important.  

Just like holiday traditions, celebrate the best way you know how. What you know, believe and trust in holds more weight than you know.

May you find all the joy, hope and love that you deserve this season.

UNDER THE WRAPPING PAPER

This time of year should be special.  It's Christmas for many of us and we are busy looking to finish up our shopping for friends and family.  If you're like me, you like Christmas (or many more holidays that fall around this time of year) because you can surprise someone with a thoughtful gift.  Their face lights up as they recognize what it is as the wrapping paper is torn to expose what lies beneath.  That feeling of joy is felt as they thank you.  It's a pretty good feeling.

I also like receiving gifts. I'm not going to lie. I like receiving gifts as much as I like giving them. It's fun to open up a present to find something that you've wanted for months (maybe longer!).  What lies beneath is exciting to me too.

Sometimes, we're not so eager to reveal what lies beneath in our hearts and our souls.  It's not a pretty sight and so we disguise it with our own version of wrapping paper.  Our image, projections and bravado are used to disguise who we really are.  This might look good from a distance but up close, it cannot hold up.

Up close, the image is just that, an image.  An image doesn't replace the reality and so it's like a character we play in a movie.  Our projections, over time, reveal what we truly value, struggle with and feel.  The bravado we parade melts like ice cream as it buckles under closer inspection. We feel like a gift that is not worthy of wrapping and so we wrap ourselves up in a false narrative.

Obviously, we've all done this.  Our authenticity is at an all time low and we come across as pretty shallow. Do you know what happens when we do this? It suffocates people from revealing their true selves and ideas.  It hinders honesty and innovation.  Think about this, if someone were afraid to identify a crazy dream or idea to a group of their peers, we wouldn't see some of the amazing technical advances we've been privy to over the last hundred years or so.  No smart phones. No Google.  Nothing new would exist as no one would want to reveal an idea that hadn't been thought of yet. Everyone would be too afraid.

When one person chooses to be vulnerable, to share their truest dreams, it gives freedom to those around him/her/them. Admitting to not having all of the answers allows for a better team mentality than if one person assumes the role of being a know-it-all.

That's the challenge for this season. My wish for you this holiday season is to open yourself up to someone else or tear the wrapping paper so to speak. Admit your shortcomings but also admit your strengths as well. Underneath your wrapping, you're pretty awesome. Show the world that you are a gift!

KILLING SENSIBILITY

I wanted to talk myself out of following my dreams tonight. I had every reason to just quit and to make a more "rational" choice.  

There are two voices that speak to me in my mind. The first one is practical. It tells me to play it safe and to think of stability and assurances. This voice is not evil but it kills dreams (or at the very least, my dreams). The words of what should be ring in my head constantly.

The other voice is impractical. It tells me to dream and to not let any practical thing like money and security stop me. Satisfaction with a solid routine and a sure thing is non-existent. It is not an evil voice either but it kills normalcy and a certain future. The words of what could be ring in my head constantly.

Both of these voices are speaking to me and the rational speaks louder than my impractical voice. 

But.

Louder does not equal better though. That quieter voice still speaks through to me even when it seems to be drowned out at times. This is why I choose it. Not all of the time but it is why I choose it now.  I am about to embark on a dream and I need to have that voice be my closest guide as I move away from the stable into the unknown. Walking blindly, I am turning away from the light of certainty into the dark fray of questions.

The rational voice is a good one. It can keep us safe from harm. It can provide us with much needed perspective and reason. There are many things that it brings to us that are good but it does not bring one particular item: Our dreams coming true.

I am chasing a dream and so I have to turn the volume down on rationale and turn up the volume on uncertainty. It's difficult but it's worth it.

I think. It's unknown at this time but isn't that the point? In order to succeed in this chase, I have to kick my doubts to the curb and embrace the unbelievable truth. It's not safe but really, it never is.

That's the adventure and I'm game for it.

NO PAIN LIKE A BURN

 When I was 22, I worked a number of part-time jobs. One of them was cleaning the floors of a No Frills late at night. It wasn't glamorous but it paid and in the end, money for a poor student was all that mattered.

One night, I swept and washed the floors and I got ready to buff the floors. The floor buffer was powered by propane and it was very easy to operate and move. On this night, however, it wasn't cooperating with me. I can't remember exactly what happened but when I turned on the buffer, the tank started to gush propane in the air. It was so thick, I could see it.

What happened next was just sheer ignorance on my behalf. I stuck my hand into the propane spewing out of the tank to turn off the machine. Pain shot through my hand and that should have meant that my body was to stay away from it. Unfortunately, I didn't listen to my nervous system and I stuck my hand back in and the painful sensation in my hand resumed. I turned off the buffer but now I had to deal with the intense pain in my fingers. It was a freeze burn and it hurt more than I care to remember. 

In a few hours, my fingers had blistered and bubbled and I had to go to a local clinic to get looked at. I had third degree burns from the propane and now I had to get treated so that I could get better. Bandage wraps and soothing cream did the trick. If only I hadn't stuck my hand into something so painful!

You and I have done that before though. We've chosen to hold onto grudges for much longer than we should have. What started out as being angry for being turned into grief, rage, bitterness and hatred. We think about our wounds constantly. The wounds consume our thoughts and then our own words. People grow tired of hearing the bitter words spewing from our mouths. It's not a pleasant thing to be around.

When we make the conscious or unconscious effort to hold onto a grudge, it's like we're sticking our hands back in the propane again. Nothing but pain will follow.

If and when we release our grudges, the pain will remain for a while but it will lessen over time. To ensure complete healing (though scars may remain on our souls), therapy is recommended. Though you weren't looking for something bad to happen, it still did. When this is the case, don't stick around like I have with my grudges but move away from the source of the pain. It's the only way to get free, stop the infection and heal.

May you find the freedom to be free and heal today.

WHEN THE INFECTION SETS IN

 When I was ten or so, I was riding my bike to the corner store. I don't remember how I crashed my bike but I did quite spectacularly in a sea of gravel. My right knee took the brunt of the crash and thus, rocks, sand and grit was mashed in a bloody gash. I remember that there was blood and pain - two indicators that, obviously, something was wrong. There's a scar on my knee now. A reminder of that day that caused me to be more careful while riding my bike (at least until I was thirteen and I was hit by a car). My mom took me to the bathroom and washed my wound. Cleaning an open wound is never an easy operation because peroxide or virtually anything else that touches the wound, causes a higher sensation of pain.

No matter how much it hurts, the wound has to be cleaned out so that infection doesn't set in.  You don't want to stare at your knee and see it getting redder and hotter to the touch.  Eventually, fever sets in and then things can quickly go downhill from there. After the cleaning, ointment (Polysporin perhaps) and bandage wrap are necessary to protect the wound so it can heal.

What happens when the wound isn't on the outside but on the inside? We can get injured in our soul, heart and mind.  These can come from many outside forces.

A toxic work environment.

A painful breakup.

Careless words from a loved one.

Ouch!

Leaving unattended wounds of the soul is a risk of infection just like a physical cut. If you harbour ill will to the person that wronged you, it can turn to hatred. When hatred lives unchecked, bitterness is the result. This is like a deep sickness of the soul.

The infection needs to be treated. You've probably seen people with untreated wounds of the heart. They can't wait to tell you information about how awful someone is and why. When you overshare, it becomes like experiencing it all over again. I know this because I've been that person who waits to bring up the issue so that I can complain about how I've been mistreated. I didn't properly care for my soul wound. I should have also created better boundaries so that I would put myself in less abusive environments. It took many years but I'm becoming better at attending to my soul's deep hurts caused by others.

If this is you, don't self-medicate or stew in your own bitterness. Take some time for self-care.  Seek professional help and learn to properly forgive (that is releasing the bitterness or grudge) so that you will win the day. You can't help what other people say but you can help yourself by attending to the emotional care just as you would the physical.

You are the best and need to treat yourself as such!

SITCOM SITUATIONS

I wish my life ran like one of those 30 minute 90's family sitcoms. Is that too much to ask? To have my life work out like an episode of Family Matters or Saved By The Bell?

It's funny how every dilemma gets wrapped up nice and neatly during this time frame. If it's a real tough situation, sometimes it takes two episodes (or one full hour) to fix. No matter what's gone on (from car accidents to stealing money), everyone realizes what they should have done and rectify the problem. Opinions are changed, promises are kept and integrity shines in these comedic television tales.

That's not how life works though does it? Some life lessons need to be learned over and over again. For various reasons, people don't always change for the better. Sometimes, people and situations get worse. Real life can mean no closure, muddy transparency and pain that takes a lot longer than 30 minutes to recover from.

Writing this makes me a little sad. I think of times where I haven't learned my lesson because my pride won't let me admit wrong. It's also distressing to know that there are people who have done damaging things but simply don't care. Isn't that frustrating?

What's the lesson here? Well, we can't force people to choose a better path. They've got to choose it themselves. We can't always solve a serious fight with a friend right away. There's usually many more variables to consider. We can't argue or debate someone into seeing your side of things (it rarely if ever works).

What can be done is only through the one who has control over themselves. You can take time to pause, reflect and determine how you can improve yourself and the situation. That's it.

You are in charge of you. The buck stops with you. It might not mean a nasty situation is all wrapped up nice and neat but you can choose a much better course of action for next time. The answer, for now, lies with you.

If it means to apologize, apologize.

If it means setting boundaries, set them.

If it means that your position is firm, make it so.

In a world of make believe, know that the quick fix is rare but you can still do something incredible. You can choose to make the right answer moving forward.

It's you and it always will be.