EXISTING IN THE MIDDLE

Another Christmas is in the books. The big storm with all of it's snow, flash freezing and strong winds has now passed (at least where I live). Life goes on to the next big event of New Year's Eve.  After that, it will just continue as it always does.

Time just is. It doesn't store itself up and wait.  It doesn't pause when something significant happens to you and it doesn't give you a break to allow you to have more of it.  The minutes and hours will continue to march forward while never-ending to a destination that is never reached. Like Mark Heard wrote, "Time marches away like a lost platoon."

Our time on this earth has a beginning (birth), a middle (life) and an end (death).  Now that I look at what I've written, it seems pretty depressing.  

That's not all life is though right? In the middle.  That's where the action happens!  Though it may continue on and on, we are living and breathing in it.  This year, I decided that I didn't want to simply exist in the middle but to actually participate in something far more grand.  I was going to try new things and win or lose, I was going to do anything but just simply exist.

So, what did I do? My family and I went to Montreal (we had never left the province prior to this) to take in the sights and sounds of a marvellous city. We loved it. I enrolled and was accepted to begin studying at Brock University. A book that I had dreamed of writing for years was completed and published! New manuscripts have been written as well and another road of possibilities has been forged.  For some, this is not a big thing.  For others, this sounds like too much.  I don't know whether it's a lot or a little but the point to all of this is that I am doing rather than existing!  

Existing, for me, happened for a long time.  I was content to simply be where I should be at the proper time.  Something changed this year and I experienced a discontentedness where satisfaction could only be met by doing something new. 

This isn't to say that I haven't been scared the entire time.  I have wanted to turn away from some of these new experiences because they're kind of scary.  What is different and new is always met with fear and uncertainty.  It's easy to walk away because it's the safe thing to do. I was sick of being safe.

It's like the episode of Seinfeld where George decided to do the exact opposite of everything he had always done before.  Every day has the possibility to be an "Opposite Day". 

I'm still learning and that means I'm still growing. I invite you today, in your own discontent, to dream as well. Write it down. Talk it over with a trusted friend. Make and solidify your plans. Try something new today. You can be afraid but that's when your bravery takes over.  Don't let your fear come up with excuses to stop before you even begin.  

Time may continue to push ever forward but with every step you take, you can walk a new path into adventure.  May your steps be deliberate as you march and know that you're middle doesn't have to be just existence but victory!

YOU DO YOU AT CHRISTMAS

There's so many fun Christmas traditions that my family and I celebrate. On November 30 every year, we put up and decorate our tree. Every year, we buy one or two pop culture ornament to add to the tree (this year it was a basketball and a Nintendo controller).  Christmas movies like Elf, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, Die Hard (yes, it's a Christmas film) are watched. There are so many little things that add up over the years that make December a very special month for the Mills family.

Not every Christmas has been a holly jolly affair. Some Christmas', my wife and I couldn't afford to get each other gifts and we learned to be joyful when times were fiscally tight. There were some Christmas' that were bittersweet when we celebrated together but missed a loved one who had passed away that year. 

I think the Christmas Days that I wasn't so joyful was when they fell on a Sunday.  Having to work on a Sunday after working Christmas Eve was never my idea of fun (did I mention that I'm so glad I don't work at a church anymore?). It was something to endure not something to celebrate for me. 

Now, that might sound selfish but the truth is, I don't want to spend time in a building with a bunch of other people who aren't close friends and family. I want to be at home, wrapping presents, eating some homemade snacks, watching A Christmas Story and dreaming of a new year with new possibilities. To me, that's a perfect Christmas Eve.

Maybe your version of Christmas Eve/Day is different than mine. Perhaps you like going to church to celebrate and sing about Christ's birth.  Perhaps you don't celebrate at all.  You know what? That's fine too.

There is no right or wrong way to celebrate Christmas because it's unique to every person. That's the beauty of this holiday when you do what you want. Don't let anyone tell you it needs to be different.

I believe personal preferences are also important to protect when dealing in matters of faith.  There will be those that will want you to conform to THEIR idea of faith and all that it entails. They'll tell you that to be a proper adherent of the faith, you must act a certain way and do what they would do.  You might be told that questions aren't appropriate.  Whatever constraints are thrust upon you, it's okay if you don't want to abide within them if you're not sure. What's important is that you hold onto what matters to you and not what someone else deems important.  

Just like holiday traditions, celebrate the best way you know how. What you know, believe and trust in holds more weight than you know.

May you find all the joy, hope and love that you deserve this season.

UNDER THE WRAPPING PAPER

This time of year should be special.  It's Christmas for many of us and we are busy looking to finish up our shopping for friends and family.  If you're like me, you like Christmas (or many more holidays that fall around this time of year) because you can surprise someone with a thoughtful gift.  Their face lights up as they recognize what it is as the wrapping paper is torn to expose what lies beneath.  That feeling of joy is felt as they thank you.  It's a pretty good feeling.

I also like receiving gifts. I'm not going to lie. I like receiving gifts as much as I like giving them. It's fun to open up a present to find something that you've wanted for months (maybe longer!).  What lies beneath is exciting to me too.

Sometimes, we're not so eager to reveal what lies beneath in our hearts and our souls.  It's not a pretty sight and so we disguise it with our own version of wrapping paper.  Our image, projections and bravado are used to disguise who we really are.  This might look good from a distance but up close, it cannot hold up.

Up close, the image is just that, an image.  An image doesn't replace the reality and so it's like a character we play in a movie.  Our projections, over time, reveal what we truly value, struggle with and feel.  The bravado we parade melts like ice cream as it buckles under closer inspection. We feel like a gift that is not worthy of wrapping and so we wrap ourselves up in a false narrative.

Obviously, we've all done this.  Our authenticity is at an all time low and we come across as pretty shallow. Do you know what happens when we do this? It suffocates people from revealing their true selves and ideas.  It hinders honesty and innovation.  Think about this, if someone were afraid to identify a crazy dream or idea to a group of their peers, we wouldn't see some of the amazing technical advances we've been privy to over the last hundred years or so.  No smart phones. No Google.  Nothing new would exist as no one would want to reveal an idea that hadn't been thought of yet. Everyone would be too afraid.

When one person chooses to be vulnerable, to share their truest dreams, it gives freedom to those around him/her/them. Admitting to not having all of the answers allows for a better team mentality than if one person assumes the role of being a know-it-all.

That's the challenge for this season. My wish for you this holiday season is to open yourself up to someone else or tear the wrapping paper so to speak. Admit your shortcomings but also admit your strengths as well. Underneath your wrapping, you're pretty awesome. Show the world that you are a gift!

KILLING SENSIBILITY

I wanted to talk myself out of following my dreams tonight. I had every reason to just quit and to make a more "rational" choice.  

There are two voices that speak to me in my mind. The first one is practical. It tells me to play it safe and to think of stability and assurances. This voice is not evil but it kills dreams (or at the very least, my dreams). The words of what should be ring in my head constantly.

The other voice is impractical. It tells me to dream and to not let any practical thing like money and security stop me. Satisfaction with a solid routine and a sure thing is non-existent. It is not an evil voice either but it kills normalcy and a certain future. The words of what could be ring in my head constantly.

Both of these voices are speaking to me and the rational speaks louder than my impractical voice. 

But.

Louder does not equal better though. That quieter voice still speaks through to me even when it seems to be drowned out at times. This is why I choose it. Not all of the time but it is why I choose it now.  I am about to embark on a dream and I need to have that voice be my closest guide as I move away from the stable into the unknown. Walking blindly, I am turning away from the light of certainty into the dark fray of questions.

The rational voice is a good one. It can keep us safe from harm. It can provide us with much needed perspective and reason. There are many things that it brings to us that are good but it does not bring one particular item: Our dreams coming true.

I am chasing a dream and so I have to turn the volume down on rationale and turn up the volume on uncertainty. It's difficult but it's worth it.

I think. It's unknown at this time but isn't that the point? In order to succeed in this chase, I have to kick my doubts to the curb and embrace the unbelievable truth. It's not safe but really, it never is.

That's the adventure and I'm game for it.

NO PAIN LIKE A BURN

 When I was 22, I worked a number of part-time jobs. One of them was cleaning the floors of a No Frills late at night. It wasn't glamorous but it paid and in the end, money for a poor student was all that mattered.

One night, I swept and washed the floors and I got ready to buff the floors. The floor buffer was powered by propane and it was very easy to operate and move. On this night, however, it wasn't cooperating with me. I can't remember exactly what happened but when I turned on the buffer, the tank started to gush propane in the air. It was so thick, I could see it.

What happened next was just sheer ignorance on my behalf. I stuck my hand into the propane spewing out of the tank to turn off the machine. Pain shot through my hand and that should have meant that my body was to stay away from it. Unfortunately, I didn't listen to my nervous system and I stuck my hand back in and the painful sensation in my hand resumed. I turned off the buffer but now I had to deal with the intense pain in my fingers. It was a freeze burn and it hurt more than I care to remember. 

In a few hours, my fingers had blistered and bubbled and I had to go to a local clinic to get looked at. I had third degree burns from the propane and now I had to get treated so that I could get better. Bandage wraps and soothing cream did the trick. If only I hadn't stuck my hand into something so painful!

You and I have done that before though. We've chosen to hold onto grudges for much longer than we should have. What started out as being angry for being turned into grief, rage, bitterness and hatred. We think about our wounds constantly. The wounds consume our thoughts and then our own words. People grow tired of hearing the bitter words spewing from our mouths. It's not a pleasant thing to be around.

When we make the conscious or unconscious effort to hold onto a grudge, it's like we're sticking our hands back in the propane again. Nothing but pain will follow.

If and when we release our grudges, the pain will remain for a while but it will lessen over time. To ensure complete healing (though scars may remain on our souls), therapy is recommended. Though you weren't looking for something bad to happen, it still did. When this is the case, don't stick around like I have with my grudges but move away from the source of the pain. It's the only way to get free, stop the infection and heal.

May you find the freedom to be free and heal today.

WHEN THE INFECTION SETS IN

 When I was ten or so, I was riding my bike to the corner store. I don't remember how I crashed my bike but I did quite spectacularly in a sea of gravel. My right knee took the brunt of the crash and thus, rocks, sand and grit was mashed in a bloody gash. I remember that there was blood and pain - two indicators that, obviously, something was wrong. There's a scar on my knee now. A reminder of that day that caused me to be more careful while riding my bike (at least until I was thirteen and I was hit by a car). My mom took me to the bathroom and washed my wound. Cleaning an open wound is never an easy operation because peroxide or virtually anything else that touches the wound, causes a higher sensation of pain.

No matter how much it hurts, the wound has to be cleaned out so that infection doesn't set in.  You don't want to stare at your knee and see it getting redder and hotter to the touch.  Eventually, fever sets in and then things can quickly go downhill from there. After the cleaning, ointment (Polysporin perhaps) and bandage wrap are necessary to protect the wound so it can heal.

What happens when the wound isn't on the outside but on the inside? We can get injured in our soul, heart and mind.  These can come from many outside forces.

A toxic work environment.

A painful breakup.

Careless words from a loved one.

Ouch!

Leaving unattended wounds of the soul is a risk of infection just like a physical cut. If you harbour ill will to the person that wronged you, it can turn to hatred. When hatred lives unchecked, bitterness is the result. This is like a deep sickness of the soul.

The infection needs to be treated. You've probably seen people with untreated wounds of the heart. They can't wait to tell you information about how awful someone is and why. When you overshare, it becomes like experiencing it all over again. I know this because I've been that person who waits to bring up the issue so that I can complain about how I've been mistreated. I didn't properly care for my soul wound. I should have also created better boundaries so that I would put myself in less abusive environments. It took many years but I'm becoming better at attending to my soul's deep hurts caused by others.

If this is you, don't self-medicate or stew in your own bitterness. Take some time for self-care.  Seek professional help and learn to properly forgive (that is releasing the bitterness or grudge) so that you will win the day. You can't help what other people say but you can help yourself by attending to the emotional care just as you would the physical.

You are the best and need to treat yourself as such!

SITCOM SITUATIONS

I wish my life ran like one of those 30 minute 90's family sitcoms. Is that too much to ask? To have my life work out like an episode of Family Matters or Saved By The Bell?

It's funny how every dilemma gets wrapped up nice and neatly during this time frame. If it's a real tough situation, sometimes it takes two episodes (or one full hour) to fix. No matter what's gone on (from car accidents to stealing money), everyone realizes what they should have done and rectify the problem. Opinions are changed, promises are kept and integrity shines in these comedic television tales.

That's not how life works though does it? Some life lessons need to be learned over and over again. For various reasons, people don't always change for the better. Sometimes, people and situations get worse. Real life can mean no closure, muddy transparency and pain that takes a lot longer than 30 minutes to recover from.

Writing this makes me a little sad. I think of times where I haven't learned my lesson because my pride won't let me admit wrong. It's also distressing to know that there are people who have done damaging things but simply don't care. Isn't that frustrating?

What's the lesson here? Well, we can't force people to choose a better path. They've got to choose it themselves. We can't always solve a serious fight with a friend right away. There's usually many more variables to consider. We can't argue or debate someone into seeing your side of things (it rarely if ever works).

What can be done is only through the one who has control over themselves. You can take time to pause, reflect and determine how you can improve yourself and the situation. That's it.

You are in charge of you. The buck stops with you. It might not mean a nasty situation is all wrapped up nice and neat but you can choose a much better course of action for next time. The answer, for now, lies with you.

If it means to apologize, apologize.

If it means setting boundaries, set them.

If it means that your position is firm, make it so.

In a world of make believe, know that the quick fix is rare but you can still do something incredible. You can choose to make the right answer moving forward.

It's you and it always will be. 

OUR OWN SOLAR SYSTEM OF EXCELLENCE

 I must confess that yesterday was a hard day to love myself. I just didn't feel it. It didn't matter privately or publicly, I felt sick of myself. 

Now, these are lies. You can say it's the devil whispering in your ear (or whatever reasonable explanation tells you). It doesn't matter because thinking I'm not worth anything is simply not true.

Let's move away from me and focus on you okay? You struggle to wake up after the previous disaster of a day and you think: why bother? Your existence won't change anything or anyone right?

Wrong! You do not know, behind the scenes, what everyone else is going through. You do not know how your existence can change someone's day for the better. Your existence changes everything that orbits around you. It's true. The world needs differences made up of all of us to make it great. This means that you are a part of a day that is meant to be great. There are only things that you only you know how to be that are needed for tomorrow and forever after that.

Imagine that! You shouldn't try to be something you're not. In fact, you can't be something else because that's not you. For the same reason that I cannot be an auto mechanic, you cannot be <insert something you are not>.

I realize that my worth is spread out among all sorts of different roles in life. Spouse, parent, employee, hobby enthusiast, sibling, friend and child are just some of the things that we can spread the joy to that only we can spread.

So, yesterday was a rough day but today, I am better and I will spread my worth to my family, friends, colleagues and my writing.

You can spread your worth too.

May you shine like a brilliant emerald today.

May you give your doubts the middle finger.

May you learn to love yourself the way others do.

May you be the one, the only, you.

Forever and ever.

Amen.

JUMP ON IN!

Many years ago, I was on the cusp of graduating with my Bachelor's Degree in Religious Education. In order to gain experience in vocational pastoral ministry, I worked at a church as an intern. It didn't pay well but it provided me with a significant opportunity to learn how to provide pastoral care to high school students.

Today, I have two teenagers under our roof. One has graduated high school while the other is smack dab in the middle of it (poor guy). I can appreciate the anxiety and worry that parents and guardians have about their adolescent children doing crazy things.  As a parent now, I can really appreciate their anxiety.

One spring day during the May long weekend, I found myself at Sherkston Shores.  I'm not talking about the new age discovery of finding oneself, I was literally there with a couple dozen teenagers and adult volunteers. It was a cooler weekend but the sun was shining.

Now, I don't remember what led to this decision but most of the students thought it would be fun to jump in a water-filled quarry (think smaller than a lake but larger than a pond). It was a bit of a drop but all of the male students and leaders jumped in. Being a strong reason for why peer pressure exists, I jumped in too. When I hit the water, it felt like thousands of pins were stabbing my torso. It was COLD!

I tried to swim but I was so slow. Everyone was so much quicker in the water. I did the front stroke, back stroke and even felt like I was having a stroke. I couldn't wait to reach shallow water but now, I was in the middle of the quarry while everyone else was now in the shallows. I could hear people calling my name and yelling encouragement to keep swimming.

At this point, I started to panic. All I could muster was a lacklustre backstroke. 

I thought, 'You are going to die Greg. This is how you'll bite the big one, old chap.'

Slowly, I finally reached the safety of shallow water. Thank God. I really didn't want to die from drowning (for the record, in my sleep will do just fine). I could barely walk and had risked hypothermia but I came out on the other side intact.

Life's like that isn't it? Not the hypothermia part but the uncertainty. With adventure comes so many possible outcomes. You jump into a new job, new home, new partner, etc. and you don't know what will happen. You worry because these things carry risks like being fired, costly house repairs or heartbreak. To do something new is to invite risks.

You will fail (that should be a Hallmark card). It's really that simple. There will be times when failure is not only an option but a necessity for growth in the future.

Now, your fear isn't baseless because failing and losing are valid things to make you nervous.

But.

Never attempting and wishing is even worse. No one wants to fail but to never attempt is simply unfair to yourself. There are many regrets I have had in life but trying something new or chasing a dream is not one of them.

This doesn't mean that you don't plan or prepare when taking a risk. You need to prepare but never regret doing something too many people are afraid to try.

So, what are you waiting for?

Jump!

WHAT IS YOUR BEST?

So, there's this book, Walking Contradiction, you may have heard of it...

Okay, chances are if you're reading this, you've heard of it but take heart, you are a part of a very select group of people in the whole world to know about it. My contribution to the literary world is a challenge to you and I (and everyone else in existence) to do better. 

Yesterday, it didn't feel like a "do better" type of day but I did the best I could for those twenty four hours. There's something funny about doing your best. It's what we ask of ourselves, our family, friends, colleagues and people under our charge.

Do your best.

How can you tell if you're doing that? There's no meter that registers this for us to let us know if we've done our 100% best. What is it exactly?

There are days when we shine brightly and it shows. We're inspired. We work hard and feel very satisfied that our time was spent well. Those are the days that we dream of.  The dream is that every day could be a "best day".

They're not though are they?

In the cold and grey winter months, my best can be just rolling out of bed to take the kids to school. If I managed to load the dishwasher the same day, it was a success. At the time, these days rarely felt like I was doing anything other than mediocre.

If I'm being honest, I was doing as much as I could muster in the belly of the dark beast of depression. On other days (sunny springtime), I can take the kids to school, get the car looked over at the garage, do the dishes and the laundry, sweep and mop the floors, write five pages of a manuscript and a whole bunch of other things.

What's the difference between these two days? Not a single thing.

Every single day is the best that I can offer with what I am able to give.

Here's what I've learned: The best isn't the best when compared to others. It isn't hitting it out of the park everyday. Sometimes our days don't seem to add up to much but to start a new day after them means that we're still alive. That, my friends, is still the best because we chose to keep going. Remember that. Survival just might be your only option for the day. There will be days where it feels like you've reached the pinnacle.  Other times, it's somewhere in between.

Throw away the measuring stick and realize that your best is going to look different every single day and that is perfectly fine.

Why?

Because you're still here. You are still among the rest of us, trying to make it to the next day. Be kind to yourself because it can lead to healing. If your best requires a nap, take a nap. If  you need to stop everything and watch a funny movie, do it and laugh.

My best day might look like an average one to someone else and that's completely okay. I'm not living for someone else. I'm living for me. When that happens, everyone gets a better me over time based on my choice to know what I am capable of in the moment.

Today, you are doing your best. How do I know that? It's really quite simple: You're not giving up and that is the best that any one of us can ever hope to do.

DOG FOOD IS GOOD FOR YOU?

Many trips around the sun by the giant blue rock we call, “Earth”, ago, I was a teenage missionary.  For four summers, I would travel to various places around Ontario.  There’s a ton of weird stories that I can share. Look! Here's one now...My final summer was spent in and around Toronto.  Every week, another missionary and I would stay at a gracious person’s house for the week.  It was a bit of a crap shoot.  Some weeks, the places we stayed at rocked and other places socked, I mean, sucked.

One great week started off rough.  We arrived at a lovely woman’s home who was very gracious but also very old (nothing wrong with that). She had, unfortunately, lost her husband in the spring or late winter and the house was still set up to reflect that.  Towels were lined across the floor for where she would walk or assist her husband to the bathroom.  This woman was very sweet but perhaps, a little overwhelmed with life as it had been a rough few months.

We arrived and before we even had a chance to unpack, she had us sit down for lunch.  She had a small dog that didn’t move a whole lot but, from what I could tell, it was still breathing.  Waiting at the table, I noticed that the woman had a tray with pieces of lettuce circling it.  It looked pretty fancy.  

For this tray, she looked to prepare some lunch meat for us.  Glancing into the kitchen again, I saw a can of dog food (it could have been Dr. Ballard’s ‘cause it had a German Shepherd on it, I think).  Using the can opener, she opened the can and then let the meat slide out of the can onto the tray.

‘That’s a pretty fancy way to serve the dog, it's food.’ I thought. Hold the phone. She started to slice the meat into one inch wide pieces and splayed it out like a dealer in a casino would at the blackjack table. Placing the condiments on the table, she went back into the kitchen and picked up the tray and walked past the dog and into the dining room.

Uh, oh.

She placed the tray with other actual people food on the table and I thought this was perhaps a joke.  I glanced over at the other missionary because, maybe I just imagined it or was confused.

The other missionary’s eyes were as big as dinner plates.  He too realized what I had now realized. The cold, hard truth.

We were being served dog food. Arf! Arf!

Being the good missionaries that we were, we prayed and then began to survey what to eat.  The organization we worked for had trained us to be courteous, kind and polite.  What could we do but be courteous, kind and polite?

Immediately, I grabbed the mustard and a piece of the dog meat and I sprayed that mustard all over that meat.  My fellow missionary tried a different tactic and he put the meat in between two slices of bread and put some lettuce, mustard and perhaps other stuff to disguise the doggy truth.  I’ll be honest, it tasted like bad spam (is there actually any good spam?).

We did it and survived.  The next day, our stomachs revolted a little bit but all in all, it was survivable.  Plus I received all the proper nutrients a good dog needs!

The week went well after that as there were no canine foods prepared for us.  The only other thing that was a little scary was her driving us where a prerequisite was to cross yourself and say a prayer.  She was a really nice woman though who had seen some really tough times and she gave us someplace to stay.

I don’t know if there’s a moral to this tale but I can say that I respected that woman for sharing her home with us for a week.  She didn’t have to but she most certainly did.

I guess life is like that right?  All in all, we may have our good days and bad days but through it all, when we look back at those moments in time, we can look back in gratitude. We can be thankful for what we were given or be thankful that a major crapfest was over with and we've turned a corner.

Perspective takes us to a whole other world where the mundane is a little more magical and the terrible proved that we are warriors that overcame something once thought insurmountable.

My hope for you, regardless of the season you are in in your life that even if life gives you lemons (or dog food), it will pass.  When it passes, we reflect, contemplate and strive to do better.

May you and I do better in every bowl of doggie chow we encounter in life.

It will make for a cleaner fur coat and a better experience to live an authentic life.